I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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