Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
