she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
