I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
