I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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