i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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