I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
