you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
