Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize