Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
