how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
