I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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