Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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