It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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