so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
