The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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