hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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