You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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