fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She is in my trunk
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
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I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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