Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
