If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
