i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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