I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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