On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
