my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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