im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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