My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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