Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
