Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
