I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
