On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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