You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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