i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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