I just threw up on my dentist
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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