life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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