Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
