I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
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You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
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She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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