I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
