I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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