If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
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