You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
