So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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