you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
