My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
