Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize