I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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