I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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