Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
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He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
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i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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