Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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