We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
