I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
