I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
