is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
she looked like the before picture.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
