I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
