just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Vodka?
Forever.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Randomize
