I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
