Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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