just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
