Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
