So drunk its hurt
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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