having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
